inexistence

I had a dream-like morning, waking up next to Christoph, being cuddled, and then feeling this massive appreciation towards him. We have such an amazing time together, and I hope these feelings never end. I get so self-conscious that I am diving in too deep and that I am being blinded by the idea of us. But I also feel deep down that this is the right move for me. Christoph does make me a better person. He is great at pushing me to challenge myself and to look for more light and love in life. We went night climbing last night, which was a first for me. It was a challenge, and I did not like it at first. It is hard to see (obviously), but you feel a little less secure, but I was able to finish the route with a little encouragement. Ok well, great talk, and I think I’m in love. 

What a lovely entry to reflect upon. These emotions felt during this entry come flooding back as the words revisit my neural pathways. Early smitten days where Christoph and I were exploring and learning just how easily entwined our existences could be together. Still in the present day, I relish in the light Christoph brings to my life and the flow of happiness his being exudes. I feel so lucky to have such a supportive and clever partner. 

I did not expand much on the details of night climbing, but the memories of this climb are visceral when reflected upon. It was dark, the perfect climbing temperature, although maybe could have been lit up a bit more. We had headlamps and one lamp shining upon the sandstone wall. I was on top rope and stuck mid-wall, annoyed and uncomfortable with the situation of low visibility and frustration at the puzzling nature of climbing. 

Feeling completely present when climbing is what originally drew me to the sport. Your attention is almost always on your bodily movements, but it comes subconsciously; you never actively ponder climbing in the moment, you flow with the wall and the movements until you come to a section you cannot figure out. During these fleeting seconds building to minutes, your subconscious and conscious brain link, bringing a full feeling of the flow state. The world disappears, and for a small moment in time, you lose everything in your brain except connection to your strength, body, and wall. It is beautiful, and it can be disorienting, which comes as unease. A zeitgeist of full existence –  harnessing your old brain while experiencing the true presence of time.

When my new brain and old brain collide on the wall, this is when I get stuck, fighting my irrational thoughts and becoming agitated at the experience. During this night climb, I battled my thoughts and wanted to quit, but with the right encouragement (from my future husband), I completed the route at night. This was just the beginning of how well Christoph and I could work together and start managing our ideas of risk. Just a small glimpse into how we still flow together today with the many challenges in life. 

As we navigate the winding, unpredictable curves of life, Christoph is the person I will forever choose to cultivate decisions with. Our never ending addition of sheets to our shared excel list (with titles such as: sauna building, sailing, housing budget, new budget, new sheet 27) shows just how much we love to puzzle our way through life whether on the sandstone wall at night or cozied up on our couch in rainy Denmark, we continue to expand our existences to new horizons, ideas and dreams. This one is for you, Skat, five years and forever more.