inexistence

This sucks. I have really neglected my writing and its a time and space I can never refill this much after. It is interesting how time works and flows and I am sad I have not dedicated time to write and flow here. Even now is not an ideal time but I am making it. I am not sure where to begin! I have been lost in books lately which I love! My brain has been in frantic planning because of work/school but also because of this atrocious weather. It’s not that bad but my perception of it is difficult. I also need to dress more appropriately so that makes it seem worse than it is. I am committed to this bike commuting life now so I just need to adjust. Biking in the dark and in this weather is tough, you have to remember so many things! 

Besides that, last weekend we attempted climbing in Sweden, camped in hammocks, got rained on, wasn’t allowed on the train, was wet, cried a little but made it home eventually. What an interesting turn life has taken. xx Natt

Just revisiting two years ago as we close out our third November in Denmark. Here I see the formation of habits that I am still continuing now. According to my kindle, I am on a 149 week streak, which puts me on January 19, 2023 for starting the streak. (Mind you, I have lost 2 kindles in 2025 – they are just too slim and blend into surroundings.) But I appreciate my rekindled (get it?) love of reading and it reminds me of childhood days waiting at bookstores at midnight for the release of Harry Potter or Twilight. 

It seems my brain is always in a frantic planning mode but I like to think I have reduced my anxious thought patterns, although there is room for improvement. I feel like this nonstop planning come from previous jobs like being a server at a busy restaurant, or working with animals at the aquarium and of course from my days managing volleyball 20 hours a week and my bachelors degree. Just many years of existing in a fast-paced and multiple project environment. Sometimes I cannot believe I was able to do all those things, especially when I think about the short list of things I have done today (run, shower, read, nap, eat, read, eat, write). 

Now that weekend in the woods, I remember very clearly because it was my first taste of the relentless Scandinavian autumn. Relentless in its joyous pursuit to just be classified as winter. After moving from California, where October and November are coveted months, this trip made me question our move here. We tried to integrate our new life by taking the train and our bikes packed full of climbing gear into our old life of climbing whenever on the weekends and camping easily. The great thing about Sweden is you can camp almost anywhere so you can feel immersed in nature very quickly with some good turns down winding biking/hiking paths but the forest is wet and the darkness comes quickly in November. But here again, I find myself happy we explored, and actually we have done this same trip two other times albeit in summer months. 

What pushes me/us/you to these places? The uncomfortable space? Maybe it comes back to the planning brain, here I can use it with the satisfaction of remembering everything, yet once I arrive in this space, my brain is calm, I have a connection to the real world. The world that exists outside of checklists, train tickets and constant stimulation. The world where this innate peace arises. In the chaos, there is always this. As we continue this journey of life, in new places, uncomfortable spaces and small steps that create larger changes, I hope to continue connecting to this, wherever it may be. Places where I feel this existence, where time moves at the pace of my brain and where my connection to the world is through my perception of the experience. This is what I crave.