inexistence

Hello new journal! Wow check out these fresh to death pages. Of course, my pen is just starting to run out, but hopefully this will last during this short lunch session. Before getting to life things, let’s just set some short journal goals:

> Embrace the front quote and always keep striving and searching for life’s magic (for reference, the journal cover says “In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar.”

> Finish these pages within one year of starting this. So 365 days of writing or drawing or whatever to fill the pages.

> Keep my handwriting legible.

I know I haven’t journaled in a while because I remember wanting a new one for my birthday, so lots to catch up on. My partner lost their job at the beginning of October, so that has been a very interesting dynamic. It is really stressful because the process is long and there have been so many interviews already………There is a lot to think about and consider but I am confident in us and that we can be okay. 

Ok, besides all that, work has been so-so, working 6 days a week is tiring but I love being at the aquarium. And I am riding my bike to work – that is so great! I also got bike lights this week which is helpful. 

Alright my break is over, good first journal chat!

Much love, Natt

This entry starts in a new journal, maybe my third one of this point. It became my least favorite journal because it is bound by these large metal rings and it begins before covid and takes me through until April 2020. As you can see, I did not achieve my goal of finishing the journal in one year but during 2020, the entries in this journal are frequent. The die-off of writing through 2019 is synonymous with the death by million cuts from this relationship I reference in this entry. 

It is difficult to reflect back on naivety and youthful optimism, have I grown so wise in these six years or just more cynical? While reflecting back about my thoughts and daily life experiences can be light-hearted, yet the tone of this journal is somber leading up to some pivotal decisions. 

When you are in these times of growth, you are blind to them– vaguely aware that your thoughts and actions over a span of a few months can influence behavior the rest of your life. I can barely remember these difficult months, living on the brink of things working out or crumbling. Yet, I still chose to push through, to see happiness in my days. This trait has persisted in my existence even all these years later, I prefer to see the glass half full although with a few dashes of sarcasm to take the edge off. 

I cannot imagine working six days a week, this was certainly a hustling time in my life. I love to see that I was biking to work which is how I have commuted for the last 29 months of my life! 

But the passion I had for my job and the practical nature of the aquarist position was enthralling, here I was following that magic that made my soul soar.